My Bittersweet Mothers Day

Jackie Tilton — Mon, 14 May 2007 01:44:27 GMT

Though this Mothers Day Weekend (as our usual celebrations of me either become weekends, or weeks, or in some cases months (especially my Birthday)) had a sort of bittersweet about it.

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with Willie where I confessed that I wasn't the "cool girl" I had always promoted myself to be. I am a fan of the Hallmark Card Holiday's. In particular, Valentines Day and Mothers Day. The Jig was up. I do in fact enjoy participating in the Valentines Day Foolishness, and the Mothers Day appreciation. I had only ever allowed myself to be seen in this "cool girl" frame of mind, because when we first started dating, I was fighting for Willie with his Ex, and I was playing hardball. I was going to win this fight. So upon hearing his annoyance for how she was always big into these Hallmark Holiday's, I would win this particular battle by taking the opposite direction, "these Hallmark Holiday's suck". Little did I know that I would be paving the road for a lot of acting, and inner disappointment as the Holiday's came and went and I would pretend I didn't care.

But last Valentines Day I blogged about what I wanted for Valentines day. Willie, read the blog, and then got me nothing. He will now say that was due to a few economic factors, which while I slightly agree with, he could have gotten me anything! But he didn't, and I stormed about all weekend dropping little hints about how everyone else I know had gotten xyz for Valentines Day in silent hopes that he'd have something around the corner. Nothing was around that corner.

So in preparation with mothers day, I gave him my Jig is up speech. I explained to him why I had pretended all these years that I was pretending to be okay with not celebrating these Holiday's because it one upped his ex Girlfriend. He had a good chuckle at that and infuriated me more. I explained that it was nice that he would even take the initiative to do something, anything nice for me. He then informed me he had asked if I wanted flowers and my response was "Flowers die". So, yes, I lost the Valentines day argument. But I was determined to win the Mothers Day Argument. We continued and finally arrived at our destination (usually these earth shattering, heart revealing conversations occur in the car when there are minimal distractions, you know, just the road to pay attention to).

So here it was. Mothers Day Weekend Eve (a.k.a Friday). I dropped a few hints at Willies stating that my BFF had gotten this and that, and the celebrations that she had planned. Willie looked at me point blank and said "well, I didn't get you anything. That's okay right?" I swallowed hard and gulped down a big old chunk of past biting me in the arse. I continued the evening sighing heavily, pounding the cabinets...you know, old fashioned grown up tantrums.

Well, I stepped over the gate and Willie was in Ian and Lexi's room, and Ian kept asking, "Dadda what's that?" I looked in to see what Ian was talking about and there is Willie with his "I'm so hiding something from you grin" that has countless times given away all my surprises. I asked him what was up, and he said "Oh Ian is being a goof ball, he keeps asking me what this and that is." Okay. I knew he had something for me, but wasn't quite sure. I continued my adult tantrum, then went into the office and approached Willie writing on a piece of paper that looked to be work, he slowly looked up, and slid the piece of paper off the desk and under the desk and said "I'm writing you a Mothers Day Card now would you leave me alone?"

Now Willies Jig was up. I was able to get my Mothers Day gift on Friday. I got the two perfumes I had blogged about wanting on Valentines Day. Willie said one is for Valentines, the other is for Mothers Day, and he really wanted to wait until Sunday, but didn't want my tantrum souring the entire weekend. He also gave it to me in the form of a treasure hunt with little clues on a piece of paper, and that is why Ian was a spoiler (one perfume was hidden in the bottom of a toy box. Toy's I had to dig all out and then put back mind you, but I'm not complaining).

And the weekend continued in the wonderful fashion. Saturday morning we woke up and tried to find a "cheap" breakfast, but wound up at a place called Coco's and after that if we are going their for cheap I'll tell Willie to turn around and we'll go to Mimis. On our way home we stopped by Costco and did our monthly bulk shopping excursion. It was super nice to do this with Willie as we live on the third floor, and I have this darn bum knee I injured last week at racquetball, so if it weren't for him I would have been sunk. Saturday evening we went to dinner at Fresca's, then placed the kids in the drop and go daycare, went down the street, had a beer at a Pizzeria next to the movie theater, did some people watching, and caught the 7:30 of Spider Man 3. It was a fantastic evening. Sunday only got better. Started the day out slow, but then eventually made it to Laguna Beach and found the tide pools. Ian for the first time ever was truly excited to be at the beach shouting "this is great" and not afraid of the water. It was a true break through moment for him.

So my tantrum that would have ruined the whole weekend was un-necessary, and I ended up having a great weekend.

The part that's bitter sweet? A week ago a Family down the road from us had their lives ripped apart while sitting on our California Freeway. A semi rammed into their mini van and killed the three children who were strapped into the rear seats of the vehicle. The mother and grandmother were in front and relatively unharmed. I woke up this morning and read of the funeral that took place yesterday for the three children, and was suddenly very aware of how lucky I am, and how in the blink of an eye it can change just like that. While I was enjoying two beautiful children, this mother was mourning the loss of her three beautiful angels. I cannot relate to this woman on a level that I'm sure few can, but I can relate to the idea of Mothers Day passed, and future. Her Day's are ruined, and I'm sure countless other Mothers on Mothers Day around the globe mourn the loss of children who once called them Mom. It's ridiculous of me to bear the burden of remembering this particular mother and her heinous story, but its also a very good reminder that while I throw my tantrum on how no one remembers me on Mothers Day, how many mothers out there have lost the very people who made them Mom's to begin with. I'm very fortunate to have my Babies to tuck into bed tonight, and kiss them on the cheeks tomorrow, and spend my days with them, something I hope to never ever take for granted, and while in the midst of a tantrum, I hope I will be more mature to be able to put things into perspective in the future.

I've discovered why people lie...

Jackie Tilton — Mon, 07 May 2007 16:15:04 GMT

Or rather why people lie to cover up bad things they've done. Not necessarily to boast one's appearance to another, but to cover up something bad they've done.

It's because the reaction of the person you are lying to is probably worse than what you did to need to lie.

For instance, I bounced the rent check. It was me alone. I had bills set up to pay without watching the calendar closely enough to when rent would inevitably go through, and sure enough, the bills went through, and rent got an NSF fee which will be returned to the office, and hence, more fines to pay. If I had paid closer attention I would have set the bills to go through on the next day, rent would have cleared, Willies pay check went in the same day rent cleared which would have covered those pesky bills, and all would free and clear. (Dont even mention why I didn't deposit money from our Business Account over to our Personal to double ensure that it wouldn't bounce).

I had two choices when I woke up this morning. Walk over to Willie and confess my sin, or wait until he got to work, ruin his work day and pretend I had no idea (the lie) what had happened. I decided I better just bite the bullet,...can't be that bad right??

And here's why we lie. He immediately flew off the handle, with F*(*&, S**&, F*(&*, "This is going to cost us XYZ" etc. Making me feel like total crap because it was, after all, all my fault. If I had just pretended and lied when he got to work, I would have just defended myself online, not had to hear this barrage of cursing and angry discussion about how I admitted I messed up, now let me try and fix it and stop talking about it that ensued afterwards. Yeah i would have ruined his day, but hey, I would have been in the clear.

Now rewind my life about 20 years. I'm a young seven year old girl who did something I shouldn't have. I can either confess my sins to dear old Dad who always says things to me like "I put you in this world I can take you out", or lie. Of course getting caught in the lie is definately way worse than being honest, but, it's like choosing the lesser of two evils. So of course I lie. That buys me the time I need to get ready for the ultimate lashing.

So now as a parent of 2, and looking at my recent decision to come out and be truthful and fair and not ruin my husbands day at work (coincidently a Monday, starting off badly none the less, but could have been worse had he found out at work - now he's had time to just accept my mistake and move on), I look at my children. How will I react when I catch them doing something wrong, and know they are lying. Will I fly off the handle? Will I remember my own feelings as a kid and be just and fair in punishment, and take into account that when they are telling me the truth about their bad deed then a reasonable punishment without the hurtful yelling is more appropriate than making them wish they lied to me?

Just one of the many things to consider in the deep sea of parenting, and raising your kid right. I already see the tendancy for my 3 year old to lie and place blame on Lexi. "Ian who drug the kitchen bar stool into the bathroom and played in all the bathroom items?" My three year old looks at me and say's with the most forced honest face he can muster "baby". "Really? Baby drug the bar stool from the kitchen to the bathroom. The barstool that weighs 5 times her weight, and probably 10 yards...". But the three year old knows. He knows he's in trouble, and is probably about to get a spanking for mis behaving, and I as the parent, have the choice. Either dish out the harsh punishment for his really simple crime, or send him to time out with no more than a stern lecture about lying and remind him its not correct.

I probably (can't remember this happened a while ago), paddled his arse for lying, and for dragging the bar stool, sent him to time out and didn't give him his after lunch cookie for being a bad boy, and this is why he lies now. It's all my fault. Like the bounced check.